We will miss you, maow maow (RIP Felix, 1997-2012)

Yesterday was one of the saddest and hardest days I’ve had to face as a cat owner/lover. We euthanized our beloved cat who we spent the last 15+ years with.

He had a good life. I have to keep telling myself that and think of the positive. He chased birds. Slept in our beds, ate our food, sometimes. He even fathered a few litters I bet. He was the most caring cat I’ve ever owned. He’d bite my husband when we fought. So silly. He’d be by my side when I was upset and sobbing. He was very affectionate.

He was the first cat my husband and I decided to get as a pet when we first moved in together. We named him Felix but always called him a variety of silly nicknames. Harry Larry was what my sister called him, moaw moaw is what I always called him, cat, kitty, my baby. He truly was our first fur baby. When we when to look at a litter of kittens, he was the super furry black and white tuxedo cat hiding under a chair. We thought he’d be the “mellowest” one. He was so cute. And yeah, laid back. And feisty. And a fighter. Always chasing down birds and other cats in heat.

He was fiercely loyal, for a cat. I’ve never seen it in any other animal I’ve owned. And I had *many* cats and dogs growing up. Even the surviving tabby whose been with us 10 years isn’t attached to us like he was. He had empathy and was protective. What cat does that?!?! As I was loosing it in sobs at 1am last night when everyone was asleep, I noticed he wasn’t going to be there to see if I’m ok. To meow at me and rub against my leg. I am going to miss him so much. I get teary-eyed just thinking of him.

In the end– he was very ill and starving. Could barely walk. That’s the part that kills me. It is still so fresh in my mind. Something I won’t forget. The stumbling around the house. The dazed look in his eyes. He clearly did not have any desire to eat. I tried everything. He would just howl. A sick, guttural meow. It sounded like pain. Then he would get up, walk a few paces. Lay back down. Yaowl some more. Not fun to be around. But I felt like I had to be there. I felt remorse. A deep and painful guilt. He needed me. And I wasn’t there for him until he was *really* sick.

And did I let it happen? Partially. Was it unavoidable? Probably not. We didn’t bring him to the vet until we *had to* because we just didn’t have the money. His foot became infected. Was bleeding all over the house. Had an operation (that we couldn’t afford) and the vet said he had a clean bill of health. He recovered surprisingly well. Only just started to have kidney issues. Ok, fine. This was barely two months ago. He was sent home with antibiotics and kidney meds. Twice a day.

Then we were told to move as our house sold. Thus the madness began and he and our grey tabby had to be ignored. I noticed a few things though. First, he felt lighter. His hips narrower. Second, he became a scavenger. Eating off the table if I left food for two seconds. Drinking out of the toilet. Stupid me was just annoyed with him. I even contemplated giving the two of them away. Wow. Can you believe that? Take him to the vet. No, this didn’t occur to me. Not like we had the money. I also was supposed to give him antibiotics and his kidney meds. It was so hard I just stopped when we had to move. There was no time. Now I wish I made some. Not sure it would have made any difference, though. And really, I have to give myself some grace. No one is perfect. Two-year-olds are a lot of work and distraction. I have to keep that in mind, too.

This is the part of life that gets me. Not being aware until it’s too late. Not seeing things for what they are. If hindsight was 20/20 blah blah blah. I just wish he didn’t suffer as he did. I wish husband and I weren’t in such goddamn denial. We were actually surprised when the vet said we will only have a small amount of time and we should enjoy time with him. Fat chance. It’s hard to spend time with a dying cat. There is nothing worse. If you ask me.

We decided to euthanize only if the vet said we should. His tooth was bleeding too, just to make it worse. He lost almost half his body weight. Horrible. 3 days after the vet gave a pain patch (which was totally useless) we made another appointment. My husband knew they’d recommend putting him down. We did. But wimped out on staying for the procedure- which sort of bothers me. I wanted to be there in his last moments. I had my toddler to worry about and felt like it was wrong to stay. My husband had no desire to either. So we said our goodbyes and left him in the exam room. Luckily the staff was caring, gentle and best of all, prompt. The exam room was clean and bright. I knew they’d treat him right. I could not stand to watch him die. It was just too painful. I think we did the best we could for him. In those last moments, my husband could tell he wasn’t all there. It was the right thing to do and I hope he is in peace now, wherever he is.

I love you and miss you so much, my moaw moaw. RIP Felix 1997-2012.

My battle with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and going Primal/Paleo

If you haven’t had your thyroid tested, and you just had a baby, *do it* and *do it now*. You’d be suprized at the symptoms you’ll have that are assumed as “common postpartum” issues. Well– fast forward two years and some odd months, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. And may have had it my *whole* life. Here’s my story.

Growing up, I have always had sleeping issues. I have the hardest time falling asleep. My nails have always been brittle, my hair dry. I have always had an issue wearing anything around my neck. I have bouts what I now believe to be anxiety and maybe even depression. Let’s just say I am a moody person. That’s putting it mildly. I seem to fatigue and need more sleep then my husband, who is two years older then me and a big guy. Wouldn’t you think he’d need more sleep then me? He’s never spent a day in a gym. His. Entire. Life. Me? I go 3+ times a week and workout that much since way before becoming pregnant.

My mom and dad aren’t contactable (not the normal means anyhow) so it’s not like I can ask them “hey, do we have thyroid disease running in the fam?”. They passed when I was 20-21 years old. Then– I miscarried at 8wks before the birth of my daughter. It was a humbling experience and don’t wish it on anyone. Shortly thereafter — once I healed a bit and the hormones subsided (somewhat) I decided I really wanted to try again. It worked, I was pregnant a month after my miscarriage. Yes, that fast. Lets just say the hormones were crazy. I was even called by my physician during my miscarriage telling me my hormone levels were “high” and I might not be loosing the baby. I knew this to not be the case, one knows such things — I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. But this all leads up to the hormonal war going on in my body.

After the birth of my daughter I managed to breastfeed successfully. It was hard, but I knew I could do it. My sister did, my mother did. I knew it was possible and the best thing I could do right off the bat for my sweet baby girl. I had all the normal postpartum things, the baby blues, the unending fatigue, things you get used to after awhile. Then 12 months go by and I had a blossoming toddler on my hands! I hadn’t lost even ONE pound. Still looked like I was pregnant, was tired/exhausted ALL the time, hungry and irritable. My periods started getting crazy. One month, I’d be feeling back-labor pain, horrible heavy flow and terrible cramps. Then the next month? Hardly any pain, light flow. Weird. Do you feel sorry for my husband? You should. I’ve taken several pregnancy tests. I even secretly wished I was, so it would be an answer to everything.

I decided I needed to go to the doc. It just wasn’t normal. I was dieting as much as recommended for a lactating mother. I was exercising. I was watching my body slim down a bit, but not much. Today, I still weigh the same as I did when I HAD my daughter. I do look different,  but not much. WHAT FREAKING GIVES? I asked myself. I felt so depressed and beaten every time I looked in a mirror. I used to be so fit (or I thought at least) I wore a size 10 and that was ok with me. If I could just get down to a 14-16, I’d be happy with that! ANYTHING!?!?!?! I never lost the 1.5lbs a week like My Fitness Pal said I would.

My doc and the biatch of an endocrinologist said “nothing was wrong” and my thyroid “levels were fine” or “normal”. Even though I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. Which is a autoimmune (YAY!) disease in which your own body attacks and ultimately destroys your thyroid. My doc said, “oh, do nothing unless you have symptoms”. Which I thought I had– and she didn’t believe me. I was told to take periodic TSH blood tests to see if I was still in the “normal” range. Now, after some research, I found that the TSH test is complete and utter BS. It’s based on a curve (wtf?) of other people who are tested. So– why would someone even bother getting a TSH test unless they were feeling SICK? Yeah. That’s the “normal” range I’m being compared to? Really? I told the doc I have symptoms. I know I do. I just KNOW it. I had to ask for medication to try on a trial basis.

Is the levothyroxine working? I think it is. I stopped taking it every day as I believed it was causing insomnia. Like I need that with a toddler who isn’t sleeping lately. I think I feel better, I do feel less tired. I am not getting symptoms described by someone who isn’t hypothyroid. So that must mean something. But it’s only been a month.

I am now on the path to stop inflammation in my body, as that is caused by having an autoimmune disease. I decide to stop eating grains, processed foods, sugar, and maybe (and this one hurts) my beloved dairy. I decided this after reading so many positive things about the Paleolithic diet, whole foods diet or going “primal”. You can read more about primal living at Mark’s Daily Apple, or read the Paleo Diet and watch it open your eyes. I wanted to try the Whole 30 challenge but haven’t found anyone who would dare do it with me. Sad, isn’t? And this is coming from a wannabe vegetarian. Yes, I even tried to go full-on veggie just 6 months ago. Haha! Funny how things change. I’ve been easing into this way of life for about 3 weeks now and it’s been hard. BUT I actually don’t miss the grains too much. They made me feel like shit and I’d over eat them anyhow. I miss the SUGAR. I miss my stevia in my coffee after reading about how they make it on this article of Balanced Bites, I just had to quit it cold turkey.

I am loosing weight. I’m down to 218lbs but this is where I’ve been so it’s back to square one. I want the scale to show less then 215lbs, as that’s the lowest I’ve ever been post-baby. I’m still eating greek yogurt and cheese. I am still drinking red wine and some dark chocolate but am easing them out. I’m am really loving what I’m eating and even look forward to leftovers. That’s just weird. I hate all the cooking, but if this makes me healthy, I’m going to do it.

I need to be around to see my grandkids (which I hope to have) and not be unhealthy– I want to live till I’m 80. Who’s with me?